"i don't just come...I arise"

So I have been struggling seriously to get myself together. I'm not sure why I have been feeling so gross recently, but I've been severely struggling to get by. I am an emotional and mental mess. A lot of changes are going on and I'm not sure when there is going to be a calm. I think that we've all heard of the term "a calm before the storm." Well, I feel like my life is a calm before the storm...never quite hitting the storm full on. I get some rain...maybe a little bit of thunder. But I never find myself deep in the eye of the storm. I never have seriously been thrown into the raging water and the terrifying winds. However I think that's all getting ready to change. The storm is starting. The rain is just coming and it's time to go through this storm so that I can come out a whole person again. i will come out the other side whole again. i will come out the other side a stronger person than I am now. I will come out the other side a new person with new ideas and new knowledge and ready to face the world. I feel like I have to go through some storms before I truly know what my life is supposed to be about. With everything around me being swept up into this storm, I feel like I need to focus on myself and what I want to look like when I come out of the storm. I'm coming out in a whole new way. I'm not just going to come...i'm going to arise.

watch me run...

So here I go. The semester did not go as planned and now I'm on the way out the door of Wittenberg and into the real world where I don't know what the future will hold. I'm officially a Pre-School teacher in Dayton, OH...and I'm moving into a new place next week, however I'm still scared to death that I'm going to be on my own. I have someone here with me helping me and guiding me and I'm so thankful for that, because without this person I would be lost.

Have you ever had so many feelings and emotions running through your head that you can't breathe just thinking about the sorting them all out? Have you ever just wanted to cry because you were so unbelievably happy and so unbelievably sad in the same exact moment? Have you ever wanted to pull away from something with everything that you have but as you are running away you are looking back holding onto that one last string? That's what is going on in my head right now. I'm so lost in my crazy thoughts and emotions that I don't know which way is up. I'm fighting to be the "me" that I know I'm supposed to be...but I'm still holding onto the old "me" that was fake, and scared. I'm holding on the vulnerable and tattered girl that I used to be. I'm running away from that and becoming a strong and independent woman. It's all scary and crazy. It's hard to realize that in 8 days I will be living on my own and working for my living and everything that I have. I will be living with all I have. I will be working for everything that I want to have. I will be happy. I am convinced that I will be happy. If I'm not happy, I'm not sure where else I would go or what I would do. So for me...this is the beginning of the end. This is the start of the rest of my life.

This is the start of my wonderful life and watch out because I WILL be successful. I WILL be happy. I WILL do great things. I WILL have a family. I WILL be better than the examples that have been set for me. I WILL be great. Period.

Losing Connections...

I talked to my Mom tonight to find out that 2 people that I know have passed away in the past few days. It's not like either of these people were people that have been in my life in a huge way in the past years, but all the same, you hurt when those you love hurt. I am sure that there is some reason why I'm feeling this way. People that I haven't seen in 10+ years are hurting so therefore I am hurting for them. I wish that I could have gone home to see these people, but unfortunately I gave up that when I moved to school 3 hours away, I guess. Anyway, tonight my thoughts and prayers are directed towards my family and friends that are confronting these losses. I pray that they have the comfort and the peace that only they can get from above.

This weekend was good. Friday night I went on a retreat with some friends involved in campus ministries. It was fun to be with some people who were of like Faith for a while. :) We stopped at a beautiful sunflower field on the way out there and took some pictures. It was so much fun. I just stood for 20 minutes watching 2 of our friends trying to ride Brad's "buddy bike". It was rather humorous. Meredith went out and tried to show them how it was done....I think they are all going to have to practice a little before they will succeed in that endeavor. Anyway, I'm going to head to bed soon, I just felt like I wanted to give a brief update of the weekend before i went to bed.

Going to a place....where I can find YOU again.

I just realized that my post last night was scattered and weird....hmmm maybe that's how I've been feeling? Scattered and weird. I am super excited to go on the Common Ground Retreat. Just a night of fun and fellowship with other believers. It's going to be great. I can't wait to go. I think that it's important that I get God back at the center of my life and figure out some things for myself.

Anyway, I haven't really updated everyone on school yet! School is crazy! I'm busy ALL the time but I do enjoy it. I love my classes, mostly, and I absolutely LOVE living in this house with these awesome people. It's truly amazing. All of my housemates are amazing people that genuinely care about other people. Christ's love is over flowing in this house! It's amazing. It's nice to come "home" at night and not just to a dorm room or an apartment. I'm coming to my "home" where all is well and I can be myself. I was talking to one of my housemates last night and I told her that I'm learning it's okay to be weak, it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be scared, and it's okay to melt down sometimes. And I love that here I can come and be all of those things and still be welcomed and loved. I love that I have so many resources and supports to be fed spiritually in my own home.

As for everything else, things are shaping up. I'm trying to find a balance between everything and I'm sure eventually that will come. For now I'm just taking it step by step and one day at a time. That's all we can do, right?

I leave you with a little devotion that i found interesting by Dietrich Bonhoeffer:

"We live in houses, but homes need to be created. And we do this when we make room for togetherness, intimacy, and sharing and when we create a setting for openness, relaxation, and joy. The home should not be like a busy railway station, where we may see each other regularly, but our lives do not really touch. Instead, at our meal times, times of games an storytelling and in the common participation of making the household work, we weave a tradition of togetherness that enriches our lives. This setting also becomes the opportunity for hospitality."

Staying afloat

So here i am. Lying in bed trying to find the joy in my life. Trying to figure out why i run myself down to the bare bone before i reach up and gasp for air. I just need to remember there is joy in little things. And that at the end of the day i can always look up and find help.

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staying afloat

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faith or fear?

So recently I've been pondering the possibilities that are in front of me. There are so many great things going on and God is blessing me beyond measure...but sometimes I still feel like I'm just a helpless little child in the corner of the room waiting for someone to come and save me. I'm so excited for school to be here and to have the opportunity to live in the new Campus Ministries house and be a part of leading that, but I hate that I have to leave camp and all the friends that I have made here. I miss my family tremendously, but I'm ready to be at school again. It's a lose-lose situation from the outside looking in...but in all reality its the perfect situation. I have so many possibilities ahead of me.

One person in particular I feel like I have been running from because of fear and past situations. I have been praying about it...okay, maybe not as much as I should be, but I still feel like I'm running. I"m not sure why I'm running...and this is where I am realizing that my faith needs to be stronger. Fear cannot hold me down. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. I need to let go and let God. I know that all the stresses and worries of my life will all be okay if I just let HIM take control again. And if I let HIM be the master of my life I won't have to worry about any of that. So I'm going to take a leap of faith and see where some of these different possibilities are going to go.

So I leave you with lyrics from my new favorite song :) This is Sanctus Real "Lead Me". Look it up and enjoy!

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

So here I am again...

So yes it's been a few days..okay, a few weeks...but I wanted to write a little bit and let everyone know I was still alive :)

So the past few weeks have been so much fun. After Tyler's graduation I came back to Recreation Unlimited for resource training, and then staff training, and we just finished Week 1, which was an adult week. We had a great time. I had a whole cabin full of some awesome people, both staff and campers. There was on camper in particular that really touched my heart. She was the cutest little lady with blonde hair, and throughout the week she made me laugh and cry all in the same hour, however she had my heart, and I think she knew this :) On Thursday she decided she wanted to do the swim test and go off the diving board....and she did. With tears in my eyes I watched her go off the diving board and she was sooooo proud of herself. This was an amazing experience for her, but also for all of us there to watch. It's amazing. I'm glad that I know at least one person had an amazing week...I hope I have many more of these moments this summer.

And so it begins...

So tomorrow I move back to Recreation Unlimited, which will be my home for about the next 9 weeks. I'm super excited to get started and to meet new friends and learn some good stuff about life along the way. This past weekend my brother graduated from high school. I can't believe that I have been out of school already for 2 years and that I am half way done with college. I saw 2 really good friends at graduation and we took pictures together. It was later that I realized that I have not taken pictures with these 2 individuals since our own high school graduation exactly 2 years prior.

Graduation was a fun time. My cousin Josh who moved to Austin, TX last year and surprised us all and flew in for Tyler's graduation and party. We were all so excited. We got a picture with all 6 grandkids on my Mom's side of the family and it's my new favorite picture :) I'm so proud of my brother and all that he has accomplished. He will be attending Louisville Bible College in the fall for youth ministry. I know that he will help shape the lives of many young people who need Christ.

week one down!

So this week at camp I had the best time! Going into this week I was so nervous and so worried. I wasn't worried about being able to do my job and take care of the campers, but I was worried that I wasn't going to make friends from within the staff and that nobody would like me. I was SOOOO wrong! I had a blast with all of the staff and I fell completely head over heels for all of my campers! This week was Prader-Willi Syndrome Week. It was a very successful week with so much fun wrapped into it. There were moments when I wondered what in the world I was doing, and there were a few moments where I seriously was trying to figure out why I was about to devote my whole summer to this job....but then a camper would smile at me and I would remember so very quickly why I was doing what I was doing. It was for that hope that I saw in that single smile.

This week was an emotionally and physically draining week for me. After the week was over I had 2 days of Tower training. I was dead set that I was NOT going to climb the tower. However, after some encouragement from some fellow staff members I decided to try it. I made it to the first platform which was high enough for me!! The hardest part wasn't climbing up the tower though, it was trusting the ropes and my fellow staff members to lower me down. I was TERRIFIED! I had a hundred things running through my head and I was ready to set up camp up there and just stay there...but then I got to thinking about some stuff. First of all, this is probably how many of our campers feel just when we are getting ready to lift them out of their wheelchairs for the first time, or the first time we are helping them into the paddle boats, or the first time that they jump to us in the pool. They put their faith in us, so I needed to do the same. So with huge tears in my eyes, I counted to three and pushed myself off the platform. My heart was in my throat and I was hanging in the air....and was slowly lowered down to the ground. I was safe. And now I am so happy that I did it.

I know that camp will be full of these "a ha!" moments, and I can't wait to experience it all! Here are a few pictures from the week :)

and so it begins...

So today I am packing and getting ready for my first week at camp this summer! I'm super excited for it but at the same time I feel bad to leave my mom here with a broken foot. I know that my brother and Dad will take care of her, still feel bad for leaving her here though. I am really excited for the opportunity at camp though. It's going to be a great experience I'm sure. So here goes nothing...one week at camp, then home for Tyler's graduation party and graduation, and then back to camp for official training for a week and a half then the summer really starts!! 8 weeks of glorious camp :) I love camp. That's all there is to it. I love being outside and i love being able to be in a camp where I'm helping people all at the same time. Prayers would be appreciated for the summer! I'll keep you all updated as I can! :)

Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes?

They blink together,
they move together,
they cry together,
they see things together,
and they sleep together,
but they never see each other;
....that's what friendship is.
Your aspiration is your motivation, your
motivation is your belief,
your belief is your peace,
your peace is your target,
your target is heaven,
and life is like hard core torture without it!




I got this in an email today and I'm still thinking about and thought I would pass it on....

"you can always go back, but you can't go back all the way"

So yes, once again, I am back. After a short break from blogging and a few little mishaps, I'm back. I guess to give you an update...things have been really crazy here. I have been helping my Mom a lot because she has broken her foot, I have been trying to get ready for camp, and keep my sanity at the same time. I have had a hard time adjusting this summer for some reason. This is really the first time that I have lived here in Scottsburg for any long period of time. I have had a hard time coming back here and finding out who my friends are, and who I need to let go of for good. One of my friends had a quote on her facebook yesterday that said "God doesn't put the people in your life that you want, but the ones who are going to love you even when you are unloveable." This really spoke to me and made me very blessed to have everyone that I do have in my life. This made me realize that each and every person in my life is there for a reason, and when they are gone, that's for a reason too.

things are changing

So it's not surprise to everyone that a few months ago I was considering transferring from Wittenberg for various reasons. After a series of tough events I came to the conclusion that Wittenberg is where I need to be. Shortly after I thought my world was crashing around me because my plans were changing, I was given an amazing opportunity to live in a house full of Christians next year. It's going to be an amazing experience and we are going to have a great year or 2 all living together in a house where the center of it is Christ and Christ's love. I am so excited for the opportunity to have this chance to focus on the things that I need to...education, family, friends, and Christ.

Although I have figured out where I need to be, I was very upset to find out that one of my closest friends has not. I know that she is not happy. And I know it's hard for her here, but if she leaves, I feel like a part of me will leave too. However I need to remember that she needs to be happy for herself and not stay in an environment because she wants to keep other people happy. So I guess I need to remember that just because there is distance between 2 people, it doesn't mean that there has to be a loss of friendship.

I guess part of me never wants anything to change and I want to live in a little bubble with all the people that are close to me. However, I know that's not life. So if this is God's will...let it be. If not, I pray that He changes it.

back on track

sooooo I have been awful at this. I seem to lose myself on the "treadmill of life" and forget to make posts on a regular basis. So I figured that since school is coming to a close again I should start to get back on track. Anyway, the weather is quite beautiful outside continually reminding me of the beauty of God and the things that He has blessed me with. I am super anxious for summer and the great things that it's going to bring! For right now I am going home for the first half of summer and then starting the last week in June I am going to be working at Recreation Unlimited. It's a camp for disabled kids and adults in Ohio. It's going to be a great experience. I can't wait!! I am going to be a Resource Counselor. It's going to be a fantastic opportunity and a great learning experience. Ia m still looking for a small job to have while I'm home for the first half of the summer so I'm not just hanging out. But I know that God will provide in due time.

This week I have really been focusing on the sermon that Craig preached on Sunday. He's going through a series called "Live Like You Are Dying". Focusing on the song by Tim McGraw. Last week he preached a sermon entitled "Love Deeper" and this week he preached a sermon entitled "Speak Sweeter". I have really been trying to put that into practice in my own life this week. I am not a "mean" person however sometimes I speak before I think. I want to make sure that I am spreading words of encouragement and praise around people so that I can help them to grow in Christ and in life. I am so thankful for the family that I have and the amount of support that I have around me. Anyway, I guess that I need to remember that everything I say and do is a direct result of a blessing of life that God has provided for me. We talked about in small group the other night how loving someone is a choice. Love is not an emotion. Well I choose to love deeper and to speak sweeter this week and for the rest of my life with the help of God. Yes, I will fall down, but I can get right back up again with the help of my loving Savior.

blessed

Recently I have been thinking a lot about what I have and the people that I have in my life. I have realized that each and every relationship that I have needs work. Any relationship has to have effort put into it from all parts in order for it to be a successful and beneficial relationship. I have been thinking a lot about certain people and whether they are worth putting the effort into recently when I never see anything back. I wonder when do I draw the line of trying to help someone when they won't accept the help or take the responsibility to help themselves. How far is too far? There are just some people that I don't think I can continue to try and salvage relationships with...and some people I have let go without that being my intentions. To those people that I have dropped without realizing it...I'm sorry. But I also apologize to the people that I can't continue to try with. I am moving on and I am taking those people that are beneficial to me. I'm taking the people that care about me and my well-being and are interested in helping me grow and learn.

valentine's day

So it's been a while since i've posted. I want to start out by saying that I hate commercialized holidays that we celebrate in this country. Maybe I'm just being like this because I don't have a valentine to celebrate Valentine's Day with...but I've never had a good Valentine's Day. My best memory of Valentine's Day was when I was 15 my Mom took me to get my ears pierced a second time. A boy gave me a ring when I was 18 on Valentine's day....then broke up with me 2 months later. This Valentine's Day was supposed to be with someone special...but he decided I wasn't special enough. In my head I hope that he is suffering just as much as I am...but in my heart I know that's not right of me. So I found myself today laying in bed all day doing absolutely nothing and calling my Mom crying asking if she will once again be my Valentine. How pitiful am I?? Oh it gets better...then 3 of my girlfriends who are also single and I went and saw "Dear John" in theatres....and it was awful. So on Valentine's Day I got a movie that sucked, a diet coke, and a vanilla milkshake. Happy freakin Valentine's Day to me.

Yes, I'm complaining...yes this sucks...but I know that when I wake up in the morning and go to church I will have the best Valentine that anyone could ever hope for. I know who loves me and He will give me much more than a ring, empty promises, or a diet coke. He will give me everlasting love that will endure through all of time. I'm so thankful that I have a Valentine like that. A Valentine that will be there through the end of time and will never leave me. He will never leave me for someone prettier, He will never promise something that he can't fulfill, and He will never say a harsh word to me. I know He loves me...and that is all that matters on this Valentine's Day. So yes, I'm sad on this Valentine's Day, but in my heart I know that I have the best Valentine ever.

snowed in and no place to go

I had a feeling that we were going to get a lot of snow this week when police and security on our campus sent our an email when there wasn't any snow on the ground at all 2 days ago warning us about the weekend weather. I like snow...when I don't have to be out in it. So for right now I am LOVING being able to stay inside and not have to go anywhere. Granted I have LOTS of homework I could and will be doing soon, but for now, laying in bed is okay. Sometimes that's the best feeling in the world.

decisions

All day long I have been thinking about decisions that we make everyday. It's interesting to see the different types of decisions that we make. We make some little decisions each and everyday like what to wear, what to eat, what time to go to bed, how much homework to do, who you will spend time with and many more. They there are bigger decisions that you make that affect people in ways that you cannot even fathom. I am in that decision making process right now and it's hard. It's hard to know what is right and what is wrong when people are screaming from every other direction how you are supposed to feel, and how you are supposed to think. I am beginning to realize that there is only one person who is capable of making decisions for me...and that is me. God gave me the free will to make decisions...and yes, sometimes I mess up and make the wrong decisions. But God knows when that will happen and He will always be there to pick me up when I fall flat on my face. I know that I will be okay. I know that years from now I will look back and think that these decisions are small and i am not going to even know why I stressed out over them. But right now, there seems to be so much at stake and it scares me. It scares me that I do not have all of the answers right in front of me. It sucks that I have no way of fast forwarding a few weeks, months, or years to see how things will turn out if I do it this way. However, God already knows what I'm going to do. And He knows if I'm going to fall flat on my face or not. Again, that's the beauty of God. He knows me inside and out and He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that God will guide me through this. My last thought for the night is this song...it's by Rush of Fools and is titled "Undo" The lyrics are amazing...and they are truth. The only truth I need and that I can hold onto with no doubts.

"Undo"

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

cleaning

I was sitting here this afternoon and decided that I had let it go by too long and I began to clean my room. I just intended on taking 30 minutes at most and organizing a few things and then being done with it. Well after 45 minutes I was sitting in the middle of my floor looking around at the HUGE mess that I had made. I was then mad at myself for even starting the project...but knew that I would feel so much better when it was all done. So I continued to sort through tons of papers and junk that I didn't need anyway. I found myself just thinking way too much about the events of the past week and started to cry when I came across a card that a friend had sent me last semester and inside it there was a little card with a message on it that read "All your tomorrows are in God's hands" then the verse Philippians 1:6 was there "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." This past week I have been so upset and so distraught about what had happened in my life, and wondering why god would allow this all to be taken from me...then I read this verse. This means that God didn't want that person as a part of my future. God didn't want that person as a part of the "good work" that he had in mind. I will be complete eventually...but that is only in God's time...not mine.

chipotle thursday

Today since I don't have any classes I'm spending the day to catch up on some reading and homework. I also have a quiz tomorrow I need to study for. But the best thing about today is that it's Chipotle Thursday!!! :) Me and one of my friends have been to Chipotle almost every Thursday (give and take a few) since the beginning of last semester. It's like a little time where we can get away and just have lunch without eat nasty CDR or worrying about other people. Our 45 minutes off campus to enjoy some good food. :) Anyway, that was really dumb that I just described a lunch at Chipotle. Ha. Anyway, today I have decided that I am going to be content. I know that content may sound like a mediocre word...but it's a step up from where I've been. So today I'm going to be content with what I have, who I have, and where I am. And maybe tomorrow we can work on happiness. Have a great day :)

get behind me....you will not win

So after a very emotionally challenging day i went to get on facebook...where I spend the majority of my "free time" and even when I don't have free time I'm there...hmmmm priority check maybe???? Anyway, I got on facebook to find that one of my very best friends had posted to her status this, "Dear Satan, I just wanted to let you know that you are not going to win this time, so you might as well just give up now!" When I read it the first time I got chills. I had a feeling it might be about me...but I wasn't 100% sure. Then I went to dinner with this person and I ask her what her status was about...and she said it was about me. I almost started to cry. I have friends that care about me that much. I am blessed for all of my friends and the people that care. I'm climbing over this mountain. And there is nothing that is getting in my way. I will be happy.

another song that spoke to me..."the real me"

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache
Will this glass house break?
How much will they take
Before I'm empty
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?

But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me

Painted on
Life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade
Always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow

But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin,
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful
Is what You see
When You look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry

Oh, I just wanna be me
I wanna be me

Cause You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me
And You love me
Just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful
Is what You see
When You look at me

addicting?

So a few friends of mine have had blogs for a while and I've always tried to blog, but never been very successful. I never really know what to say. I don't know why...but I seem to think that I will love this now. I have been keeping like an online journal for the past few months privately, and I decided to try this and see what it was like. Now I find myself kind of addicted to it. And I just started today. Anyway, I just thought that I would say that I am really going to try to keep this blog up. I think it will be cool a year from now to look back and see all of these blogs and see how I've changed, and how God has worked in my life. I have no idea where the next year will lead me, but I guess that's part of the greatness of life.

"You're Not Alone"

So I sang a song last week at my church here in Ohio as special music called "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews and I sang it for all 3 services and thought I did fairly well. This past weekend I was home and sang at a friend's church the same song. It had been a very emotionally trying weekend and I thought that I might not be able to sing because I was so emotional that day. I ended up singing it and getting a standing ovation. I was so shocked with myself that day. I know that God gave me the strength to sing this song because that is the ONLY way that I made it through without losing it. I just wanted to share the lyrics with you...

I've searched for love, when the night came and it closed in.
I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding.
And now I'll never ever be the same,
It was the sweetest voice that called my name,Saying;

You're not alone,
for I am here.
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through your darkest night
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life.

You cry yourself to sleep, cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost, with heartache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone.
You've had to face the music on your own,
But there is a sweeter song, that calls you home, Singing;

You're not alone,
for I am here.
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through your darkest night.
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life.

Faithful and true, Forever.
My love will carry you.


You're not alone,
for I am here.
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through your darkest night.
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life.

So I guess everyone comes to a point in their life where there is not much that you can do to change the situation that you are in or the person that you've become other than lift it up to God and say, "Take this from me...I can't do it alone." Well, I'm too that point. The past 2 months has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I'm not sure if I'm coming or going anymore. I thought that I had it all together, and I thought that I had it all figured out and come to find out...that was the complete opposite. Someone very near and dear to my heart told me the other day that I had to love God more than him...and I had to love myself more than him. At first this statement angered me so much. I wanted to scream. In the moment I couldn't say anything at all. I was angry that he thought that he could look into my heart and see what I loved, who I loved, and how much I loved them. That wasn't fair. But the more that I've taken time to think and pray...maybe it's not that I loved him more. Maybe it just seemed that way. I do love God with all my heart and soul...and He is number one in my life. But how many times do we all push Him to the back burner and see that maybe, just maybe, our actions are not lining up with our words. I love this person that told me these things with all my heart, and my heart aches right now because I've lost him in a big way in my life, however this is my chance to put God back in the driver's seat and for me not just to be a passenger. But for me to climb in the backseat and let Him lead me where I need to be going. So as much as my heart breaks right now...I know that this happened for a reason. I've learned that I can't fix anyone, and that nobody can fix me other than Jesus Christ. I've learned that I can't be mad at God for something that He knew was going to happen anyway. I know that God will continue to show me where I need to be going and what I need to be doing...and I also know now that I'm not alone no matter what.