decisions

All day long I have been thinking about decisions that we make everyday. It's interesting to see the different types of decisions that we make. We make some little decisions each and everyday like what to wear, what to eat, what time to go to bed, how much homework to do, who you will spend time with and many more. They there are bigger decisions that you make that affect people in ways that you cannot even fathom. I am in that decision making process right now and it's hard. It's hard to know what is right and what is wrong when people are screaming from every other direction how you are supposed to feel, and how you are supposed to think. I am beginning to realize that there is only one person who is capable of making decisions for me...and that is me. God gave me the free will to make decisions...and yes, sometimes I mess up and make the wrong decisions. But God knows when that will happen and He will always be there to pick me up when I fall flat on my face. I know that I will be okay. I know that years from now I will look back and think that these decisions are small and i am not going to even know why I stressed out over them. But right now, there seems to be so much at stake and it scares me. It scares me that I do not have all of the answers right in front of me. It sucks that I have no way of fast forwarding a few weeks, months, or years to see how things will turn out if I do it this way. However, God already knows what I'm going to do. And He knows if I'm going to fall flat on my face or not. Again, that's the beauty of God. He knows me inside and out and He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that God will guide me through this. My last thought for the night is this song...it's by Rush of Fools and is titled "Undo" The lyrics are amazing...and they are truth. The only truth I need and that I can hold onto with no doubts.

"Undo"

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

cleaning

I was sitting here this afternoon and decided that I had let it go by too long and I began to clean my room. I just intended on taking 30 minutes at most and organizing a few things and then being done with it. Well after 45 minutes I was sitting in the middle of my floor looking around at the HUGE mess that I had made. I was then mad at myself for even starting the project...but knew that I would feel so much better when it was all done. So I continued to sort through tons of papers and junk that I didn't need anyway. I found myself just thinking way too much about the events of the past week and started to cry when I came across a card that a friend had sent me last semester and inside it there was a little card with a message on it that read "All your tomorrows are in God's hands" then the verse Philippians 1:6 was there "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." This past week I have been so upset and so distraught about what had happened in my life, and wondering why god would allow this all to be taken from me...then I read this verse. This means that God didn't want that person as a part of my future. God didn't want that person as a part of the "good work" that he had in mind. I will be complete eventually...but that is only in God's time...not mine.

chipotle thursday

Today since I don't have any classes I'm spending the day to catch up on some reading and homework. I also have a quiz tomorrow I need to study for. But the best thing about today is that it's Chipotle Thursday!!! :) Me and one of my friends have been to Chipotle almost every Thursday (give and take a few) since the beginning of last semester. It's like a little time where we can get away and just have lunch without eat nasty CDR or worrying about other people. Our 45 minutes off campus to enjoy some good food. :) Anyway, that was really dumb that I just described a lunch at Chipotle. Ha. Anyway, today I have decided that I am going to be content. I know that content may sound like a mediocre word...but it's a step up from where I've been. So today I'm going to be content with what I have, who I have, and where I am. And maybe tomorrow we can work on happiness. Have a great day :)

get behind me....you will not win

So after a very emotionally challenging day i went to get on facebook...where I spend the majority of my "free time" and even when I don't have free time I'm there...hmmmm priority check maybe???? Anyway, I got on facebook to find that one of my very best friends had posted to her status this, "Dear Satan, I just wanted to let you know that you are not going to win this time, so you might as well just give up now!" When I read it the first time I got chills. I had a feeling it might be about me...but I wasn't 100% sure. Then I went to dinner with this person and I ask her what her status was about...and she said it was about me. I almost started to cry. I have friends that care about me that much. I am blessed for all of my friends and the people that care. I'm climbing over this mountain. And there is nothing that is getting in my way. I will be happy.

another song that spoke to me..."the real me"

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache
Will this glass house break?
How much will they take
Before I'm empty
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?

But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me

Painted on
Life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade
Always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow

But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin,
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful
Is what You see
When You look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry

Oh, I just wanna be me
I wanna be me

Cause You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me
And You love me
Just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful
Is what You see
When You look at me

addicting?

So a few friends of mine have had blogs for a while and I've always tried to blog, but never been very successful. I never really know what to say. I don't know why...but I seem to think that I will love this now. I have been keeping like an online journal for the past few months privately, and I decided to try this and see what it was like. Now I find myself kind of addicted to it. And I just started today. Anyway, I just thought that I would say that I am really going to try to keep this blog up. I think it will be cool a year from now to look back and see all of these blogs and see how I've changed, and how God has worked in my life. I have no idea where the next year will lead me, but I guess that's part of the greatness of life.

"You're Not Alone"

So I sang a song last week at my church here in Ohio as special music called "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews and I sang it for all 3 services and thought I did fairly well. This past weekend I was home and sang at a friend's church the same song. It had been a very emotionally trying weekend and I thought that I might not be able to sing because I was so emotional that day. I ended up singing it and getting a standing ovation. I was so shocked with myself that day. I know that God gave me the strength to sing this song because that is the ONLY way that I made it through without losing it. I just wanted to share the lyrics with you...

I've searched for love, when the night came and it closed in.
I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding.
And now I'll never ever be the same,
It was the sweetest voice that called my name,Saying;

You're not alone,
for I am here.
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through your darkest night
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life.

You cry yourself to sleep, cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost, with heartache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone.
You've had to face the music on your own,
But there is a sweeter song, that calls you home, Singing;

You're not alone,
for I am here.
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through your darkest night.
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life.

Faithful and true, Forever.
My love will carry you.


You're not alone,
for I am here.
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through your darkest night.
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life.

So I guess everyone comes to a point in their life where there is not much that you can do to change the situation that you are in or the person that you've become other than lift it up to God and say, "Take this from me...I can't do it alone." Well, I'm too that point. The past 2 months has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I'm not sure if I'm coming or going anymore. I thought that I had it all together, and I thought that I had it all figured out and come to find out...that was the complete opposite. Someone very near and dear to my heart told me the other day that I had to love God more than him...and I had to love myself more than him. At first this statement angered me so much. I wanted to scream. In the moment I couldn't say anything at all. I was angry that he thought that he could look into my heart and see what I loved, who I loved, and how much I loved them. That wasn't fair. But the more that I've taken time to think and pray...maybe it's not that I loved him more. Maybe it just seemed that way. I do love God with all my heart and soul...and He is number one in my life. But how many times do we all push Him to the back burner and see that maybe, just maybe, our actions are not lining up with our words. I love this person that told me these things with all my heart, and my heart aches right now because I've lost him in a big way in my life, however this is my chance to put God back in the driver's seat and for me not just to be a passenger. But for me to climb in the backseat and let Him lead me where I need to be going. So as much as my heart breaks right now...I know that this happened for a reason. I've learned that I can't fix anyone, and that nobody can fix me other than Jesus Christ. I've learned that I can't be mad at God for something that He knew was going to happen anyway. I know that God will continue to show me where I need to be going and what I need to be doing...and I also know now that I'm not alone no matter what.