i'm BACCCKKK!!!

Okay, so for a few of you you are going to be happy that I'm back :) and I think that I am back for good this time. I find that my thoughts are more precise and thought out when I write them...so this will be good for me.

Wow, so the last time I wrote I was teaching preschool in Dayton...well umm....all that taught me was #1- I don't want to teach preschool, and #2- I shouldn't be living in Dayton. So after a series of life changing and traumatic events...I did the inevitable and called Mom. Isn't it funny how after we run from our parents and their advice that eventually, whether its at age 21 or age 51 we always run back to Mommy for help. And I must say that I have a pretty awesome Mom who was there with her arms open wide and brought me home. So I'm here...trying to figure out what my purpose is in this world. Starting over...hmm...it's scary. And it's tiring..always starting over and over and over again.

I'm starting nursing school in the fall! So maybe that will get me one step closer to figuring out my life. For now I'm just at home helping the parentals and repairing broken relationships with family and friends. Some relationships I've chosen to dismiss because I don't need them. As much as that hurts, I pray that these people recognize eventually that I'm doing this for the well being of everyone involved. I did it for my well being. I had to do it for me this time...not for you not for anyone else. And yes, I did run home to Mommy and Daddy...but that's why they are my parents. And I know that their arms will be open wide forever and always.

"i don't just come...I arise"

So I have been struggling seriously to get myself together. I'm not sure why I have been feeling so gross recently, but I've been severely struggling to get by. I am an emotional and mental mess. A lot of changes are going on and I'm not sure when there is going to be a calm. I think that we've all heard of the term "a calm before the storm." Well, I feel like my life is a calm before the storm...never quite hitting the storm full on. I get some rain...maybe a little bit of thunder. But I never find myself deep in the eye of the storm. I never have seriously been thrown into the raging water and the terrifying winds. However I think that's all getting ready to change. The storm is starting. The rain is just coming and it's time to go through this storm so that I can come out a whole person again. i will come out the other side whole again. i will come out the other side a stronger person than I am now. I will come out the other side a new person with new ideas and new knowledge and ready to face the world. I feel like I have to go through some storms before I truly know what my life is supposed to be about. With everything around me being swept up into this storm, I feel like I need to focus on myself and what I want to look like when I come out of the storm. I'm coming out in a whole new way. I'm not just going to come...i'm going to arise.

watch me run...

So here I go. The semester did not go as planned and now I'm on the way out the door of Wittenberg and into the real world where I don't know what the future will hold. I'm officially a Pre-School teacher in Dayton, OH...and I'm moving into a new place next week, however I'm still scared to death that I'm going to be on my own. I have someone here with me helping me and guiding me and I'm so thankful for that, because without this person I would be lost.

Have you ever had so many feelings and emotions running through your head that you can't breathe just thinking about the sorting them all out? Have you ever just wanted to cry because you were so unbelievably happy and so unbelievably sad in the same exact moment? Have you ever wanted to pull away from something with everything that you have but as you are running away you are looking back holding onto that one last string? That's what is going on in my head right now. I'm so lost in my crazy thoughts and emotions that I don't know which way is up. I'm fighting to be the "me" that I know I'm supposed to be...but I'm still holding onto the old "me" that was fake, and scared. I'm holding on the vulnerable and tattered girl that I used to be. I'm running away from that and becoming a strong and independent woman. It's all scary and crazy. It's hard to realize that in 8 days I will be living on my own and working for my living and everything that I have. I will be living with all I have. I will be working for everything that I want to have. I will be happy. I am convinced that I will be happy. If I'm not happy, I'm not sure where else I would go or what I would do. So for me...this is the beginning of the end. This is the start of the rest of my life.

This is the start of my wonderful life and watch out because I WILL be successful. I WILL be happy. I WILL do great things. I WILL have a family. I WILL be better than the examples that have been set for me. I WILL be great. Period.

Losing Connections...

I talked to my Mom tonight to find out that 2 people that I know have passed away in the past few days. It's not like either of these people were people that have been in my life in a huge way in the past years, but all the same, you hurt when those you love hurt. I am sure that there is some reason why I'm feeling this way. People that I haven't seen in 10+ years are hurting so therefore I am hurting for them. I wish that I could have gone home to see these people, but unfortunately I gave up that when I moved to school 3 hours away, I guess. Anyway, tonight my thoughts and prayers are directed towards my family and friends that are confronting these losses. I pray that they have the comfort and the peace that only they can get from above.

This weekend was good. Friday night I went on a retreat with some friends involved in campus ministries. It was fun to be with some people who were of like Faith for a while. :) We stopped at a beautiful sunflower field on the way out there and took some pictures. It was so much fun. I just stood for 20 minutes watching 2 of our friends trying to ride Brad's "buddy bike". It was rather humorous. Meredith went out and tried to show them how it was done....I think they are all going to have to practice a little before they will succeed in that endeavor. Anyway, I'm going to head to bed soon, I just felt like I wanted to give a brief update of the weekend before i went to bed.

Going to a place....where I can find YOU again.

I just realized that my post last night was scattered and weird....hmmm maybe that's how I've been feeling? Scattered and weird. I am super excited to go on the Common Ground Retreat. Just a night of fun and fellowship with other believers. It's going to be great. I can't wait to go. I think that it's important that I get God back at the center of my life and figure out some things for myself.

Anyway, I haven't really updated everyone on school yet! School is crazy! I'm busy ALL the time but I do enjoy it. I love my classes, mostly, and I absolutely LOVE living in this house with these awesome people. It's truly amazing. All of my housemates are amazing people that genuinely care about other people. Christ's love is over flowing in this house! It's amazing. It's nice to come "home" at night and not just to a dorm room or an apartment. I'm coming to my "home" where all is well and I can be myself. I was talking to one of my housemates last night and I told her that I'm learning it's okay to be weak, it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be scared, and it's okay to melt down sometimes. And I love that here I can come and be all of those things and still be welcomed and loved. I love that I have so many resources and supports to be fed spiritually in my own home.

As for everything else, things are shaping up. I'm trying to find a balance between everything and I'm sure eventually that will come. For now I'm just taking it step by step and one day at a time. That's all we can do, right?

I leave you with a little devotion that i found interesting by Dietrich Bonhoeffer:

"We live in houses, but homes need to be created. And we do this when we make room for togetherness, intimacy, and sharing and when we create a setting for openness, relaxation, and joy. The home should not be like a busy railway station, where we may see each other regularly, but our lives do not really touch. Instead, at our meal times, times of games an storytelling and in the common participation of making the household work, we weave a tradition of togetherness that enriches our lives. This setting also becomes the opportunity for hospitality."

Staying afloat

So here i am. Lying in bed trying to find the joy in my life. Trying to figure out why i run myself down to the bare bone before i reach up and gasp for air. I just need to remember there is joy in little things. And that at the end of the day i can always look up and find help.

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staying afloat

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