"i don't just come...I arise"

So I have been struggling seriously to get myself together. I'm not sure why I have been feeling so gross recently, but I've been severely struggling to get by. I am an emotional and mental mess. A lot of changes are going on and I'm not sure when there is going to be a calm. I think that we've all heard of the term "a calm before the storm." Well, I feel like my life is a calm before the storm...never quite hitting the storm full on. I get some rain...maybe a little bit of thunder. But I never find myself deep in the eye of the storm. I never have seriously been thrown into the raging water and the terrifying winds. However I think that's all getting ready to change. The storm is starting. The rain is just coming and it's time to go through this storm so that I can come out a whole person again. i will come out the other side whole again. i will come out the other side a stronger person than I am now. I will come out the other side a new person with new ideas and new knowledge and ready to face the world. I feel like I have to go through some storms before I truly know what my life is supposed to be about. With everything around me being swept up into this storm, I feel like I need to focus on myself and what I want to look like when I come out of the storm. I'm coming out in a whole new way. I'm not just going to come...i'm going to arise.

watch me run...

So here I go. The semester did not go as planned and now I'm on the way out the door of Wittenberg and into the real world where I don't know what the future will hold. I'm officially a Pre-School teacher in Dayton, OH...and I'm moving into a new place next week, however I'm still scared to death that I'm going to be on my own. I have someone here with me helping me and guiding me and I'm so thankful for that, because without this person I would be lost.

Have you ever had so many feelings and emotions running through your head that you can't breathe just thinking about the sorting them all out? Have you ever just wanted to cry because you were so unbelievably happy and so unbelievably sad in the same exact moment? Have you ever wanted to pull away from something with everything that you have but as you are running away you are looking back holding onto that one last string? That's what is going on in my head right now. I'm so lost in my crazy thoughts and emotions that I don't know which way is up. I'm fighting to be the "me" that I know I'm supposed to be...but I'm still holding onto the old "me" that was fake, and scared. I'm holding on the vulnerable and tattered girl that I used to be. I'm running away from that and becoming a strong and independent woman. It's all scary and crazy. It's hard to realize that in 8 days I will be living on my own and working for my living and everything that I have. I will be living with all I have. I will be working for everything that I want to have. I will be happy. I am convinced that I will be happy. If I'm not happy, I'm not sure where else I would go or what I would do. So for me...this is the beginning of the end. This is the start of the rest of my life.

This is the start of my wonderful life and watch out because I WILL be successful. I WILL be happy. I WILL do great things. I WILL have a family. I WILL be better than the examples that have been set for me. I WILL be great. Period.

Losing Connections...

I talked to my Mom tonight to find out that 2 people that I know have passed away in the past few days. It's not like either of these people were people that have been in my life in a huge way in the past years, but all the same, you hurt when those you love hurt. I am sure that there is some reason why I'm feeling this way. People that I haven't seen in 10+ years are hurting so therefore I am hurting for them. I wish that I could have gone home to see these people, but unfortunately I gave up that when I moved to school 3 hours away, I guess. Anyway, tonight my thoughts and prayers are directed towards my family and friends that are confronting these losses. I pray that they have the comfort and the peace that only they can get from above.

This weekend was good. Friday night I went on a retreat with some friends involved in campus ministries. It was fun to be with some people who were of like Faith for a while. :) We stopped at a beautiful sunflower field on the way out there and took some pictures. It was so much fun. I just stood for 20 minutes watching 2 of our friends trying to ride Brad's "buddy bike". It was rather humorous. Meredith went out and tried to show them how it was done....I think they are all going to have to practice a little before they will succeed in that endeavor. Anyway, I'm going to head to bed soon, I just felt like I wanted to give a brief update of the weekend before i went to bed.

Going to a place....where I can find YOU again.

I just realized that my post last night was scattered and weird....hmmm maybe that's how I've been feeling? Scattered and weird. I am super excited to go on the Common Ground Retreat. Just a night of fun and fellowship with other believers. It's going to be great. I can't wait to go. I think that it's important that I get God back at the center of my life and figure out some things for myself.

Anyway, I haven't really updated everyone on school yet! School is crazy! I'm busy ALL the time but I do enjoy it. I love my classes, mostly, and I absolutely LOVE living in this house with these awesome people. It's truly amazing. All of my housemates are amazing people that genuinely care about other people. Christ's love is over flowing in this house! It's amazing. It's nice to come "home" at night and not just to a dorm room or an apartment. I'm coming to my "home" where all is well and I can be myself. I was talking to one of my housemates last night and I told her that I'm learning it's okay to be weak, it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be scared, and it's okay to melt down sometimes. And I love that here I can come and be all of those things and still be welcomed and loved. I love that I have so many resources and supports to be fed spiritually in my own home.

As for everything else, things are shaping up. I'm trying to find a balance between everything and I'm sure eventually that will come. For now I'm just taking it step by step and one day at a time. That's all we can do, right?

I leave you with a little devotion that i found interesting by Dietrich Bonhoeffer:

"We live in houses, but homes need to be created. And we do this when we make room for togetherness, intimacy, and sharing and when we create a setting for openness, relaxation, and joy. The home should not be like a busy railway station, where we may see each other regularly, but our lives do not really touch. Instead, at our meal times, times of games an storytelling and in the common participation of making the household work, we weave a tradition of togetherness that enriches our lives. This setting also becomes the opportunity for hospitality."

Staying afloat

So here i am. Lying in bed trying to find the joy in my life. Trying to figure out why i run myself down to the bare bone before i reach up and gasp for air. I just need to remember there is joy in little things. And that at the end of the day i can always look up and find help.

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staying afloat

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faith or fear?

So recently I've been pondering the possibilities that are in front of me. There are so many great things going on and God is blessing me beyond measure...but sometimes I still feel like I'm just a helpless little child in the corner of the room waiting for someone to come and save me. I'm so excited for school to be here and to have the opportunity to live in the new Campus Ministries house and be a part of leading that, but I hate that I have to leave camp and all the friends that I have made here. I miss my family tremendously, but I'm ready to be at school again. It's a lose-lose situation from the outside looking in...but in all reality its the perfect situation. I have so many possibilities ahead of me.

One person in particular I feel like I have been running from because of fear and past situations. I have been praying about it...okay, maybe not as much as I should be, but I still feel like I'm running. I"m not sure why I'm running...and this is where I am realizing that my faith needs to be stronger. Fear cannot hold me down. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. I need to let go and let God. I know that all the stresses and worries of my life will all be okay if I just let HIM take control again. And if I let HIM be the master of my life I won't have to worry about any of that. So I'm going to take a leap of faith and see where some of these different possibilities are going to go.

So I leave you with lyrics from my new favorite song :) This is Sanctus Real "Lead Me". Look it up and enjoy!

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone